Tearstained Confessions

so here we are again. but this time i'm a little bit more mature. i want to thank everyone who had such kind words for me. you've made me realize that quality indeed does count over quanity. i no longer care about my sexual body count. because compare 1 to 100 and ask the man with 100 girls under his belt how many actually told him they loved him and meant it. as for my relationship, i'm not ready for the commitment. and that's what i'll tell her a few days into my college life. i know it's sad to know you're going to break up with someone and still be with them, while they're oblivious, but i know she senses it on the horizon. so maybe things will work out. maybe i'll get back together with her in 2 years when she comes to isu. but for now, i'm just another man that's going to figure out what it is in life i want. maybe it's her, and maybe it's not. but my priorities are stretching out way being just sex, and that's the lesson i needed to learn. the fact that i'm going to break a heart, including my own, is already hurting me. but it's better than cheating on her ever again. i'm not at the point in my life where i'm ready to settle down. and it's better that she gets dumped because of my insecurities then her coming in for a suprise vist and finds me with another girl. because she deserves better than that, and right now, she deserves better than me. and i sure as hell don't deserve her. i dunno what the future holds, but mayeb she's in it. i hope. and maybe in 2 years i'll be ready to love her the way she loves me.

So, I realized today that I neglect the fuck out of my LJ, even though this is the only place I can express myself with no one finding out. it's funny, i get discouraged by my lack of responses, but then again, do i respond to you guys? no i never do. but this is my tiem to let you who i am.

i'm less than 2 month from leaving all of this to go to college. and for the most part, i'm ready to go. what i'm not ready to leave yet, however is my girlfriend. we celebrated 10 months together yesterday. we've made love 82 times in the time we've spent together. and every night, i thiunk about her and tear up, because as much as i want to think that i'm gonna be a chick magnet at college, i know it's not true. i'm lucky if girls even talk to me, let alone fuck me. i'm a stud online, when i'm faceless. i'm romeo with a fucking cable modem. but in real life, i'm a joke. i get nervous, i stutter, i make bad jokes, i say things i shouldn't. as she puts it, i'm "rude, crude, and socially unacceptable". my friends love it. but there are times where i want so bad to be the musclebound jock, instead of the skinny little hyper-emotional emo kid that i really am. i fucking hate all of this macho bullshit. but oh well. this is my sad little dillema i create for myself, because i can. i don't want to go to parties, bring soem half-drunk girl back to the dorm and wake up empty the next morning, while she tries to remember my name. i want a gilr that i can bring back to my dorm and sleep with her in my arms. and i want her to be so happy with me taht she brings me back to her dorm to do the same. i'm so fucking pathetic. i wish i could be the guy who fucks all the girls, but i want to love someone. i just don't like the commitment of it. why? why don't I want to commit? i think it's because i always think i can find a better looking girl. which is realy shallow of me. and i fucking hate it when i think of how much i love jen, but i know it won't last forever because of teh fact that she won't let me pick her up. why do i worry about that? why am i such a douche? oh well, maybe i just need the change of scenery. maybe i just need to cry.

Addicted To Your Kiss

it started out so innocent
all i was looking for was a friend
i was down and out, sad and lonely
and that girl, she made me smile
and as the days and nights ticked away
we fell for each other more each day
but it was all too perfect
i had to screw it up

chorus:
this love we share remains forbidden
never public, forever hidden.
she'll be with me within my dreams
but never will she grace my sheets tonight

i can see her lips, they're next to mine
i wish to god that she were mine
but she's not, and it's all my fault
and these memories of what we had are all i've got.

chorus

this dream's forbidden for good reasons
the heartbreak caused will last four seasons
and the best part is it's my own damn fault
so here's another night i'll scream your name out in my sleep
and here's another dream that's shattered by my own mistakes

chorus

there's no liquid chaser for my tears
no soothing drink to calm my fears
just myself, this pen, and this computer screen
where she sits down and talks to me
but each word we type now stings too much to bear
but we can't stop

chorus

and maybe we're just over-reacting
to being caught inbetween best friends and girlfriends
but if this is what it takes to make you
see that you are something special
then every tear i shed tonight is worth the pain

i'm sorry for all the moments we'll miss
and i'm sorry for leaving you alone with him
and i'm sorry that i can't deliver
on the kisses that i promised you tonight
and i know i said that id never leave your side
but i'll never forget about the girl
who made me smile on a miserable february night
and i'll always love her

taking back sunday concert last nite was amazing. i think they taped it for a dvd cause there were cameras all over

ska is dying. do your part to save it

well, here we go, it's opening night for Into The Woods, and I'm so freaking excited. I can't wait. My last role at St. Pats, and i'm going out with a bang

Last night was simply amazing. I went to the Hallegoodbye, Acceptance, Panic!ATD, and The Academy Is... show with Jenny, Polyak, and Stojak. We all ate dinner at the House Of Blues so we could get in early, and then we got in a little eraly, grabbed our merch, and headed to the floor. Hellogoodbye was great, they were just so much fun to see, and i got a high five from Forest the singer, while he was crowdsurfing. then polyak and jenny went to go meet hellogoodbye, and me and stojak stayed to see acceptance. they were pretty good, but i was dissappointed that they didn't play "different". then Panic! came on. Holy shit, the fucking place was panicing, i couldn't even get up to surf because everyone was moving constantly. they only played 7 songs, cause brandon had the flu, but he sounded pretty good while he was singing. then they left, and jenny and polyak went up to the ba area so they could actually see The Academy, I stayed in the pit. Right away, I busted my nose. hell yeah. then i didn some surfing, then got into a mosh pit or 10. me and a few of my newly mad epit friends started a skanking pit, and then we all crowdsurfed some more. i went up on almost every song, and twice during the closer, Black Mamba, so i ended up going surfing 15-20 times for the show. all in all, it was fucking amazing. Oh yeah, and after the show, I met The Academy Is. They're so fucking nice, and they love their fans. they even remembered darrick, aka, the littel curly haired polish kid who used to get his ass whupped by his cousin and throw shit at cars. i can't wait till warped tour to see them again.

and now i start hell week. 7 am till 11 pm i'm gonna be at st pats, so don't worry about me kiddos, if i ain't around online for awhile. just make sure to come see the shows. Remember kids, we're always up and down, but never down and out.

So I've given up on my search for other muscians in order to form a band. but from teh ashes of my search has risen "a Screaming Whisper". that's right, i'm going solo, re-learning acoustic guitar, and dashbording it. my emotions, my pain, my songs, myself. it's gonna be somethin special. the myspace is www.myspace.com/ascreamingwhisper1388.

So, iI practiced for the open mic on friday with art tonight. I love taht kid to death. he's fuckin awesoem to the max. We're doin Cute W/O the E by Taking Back Sunday on acoustic, and it fucking rocks. 2 days till the panic! atd concert. I can't wait.

Well, I have a happy update. I got Taking Back Sunday tickets for the show on the 16th next month. i got them off ebay for *wait for it* $57! that's maybe 10 dollars more than i would have paid for 2 tikets with ticketmaster! i swear, life throws its curveballs, but then it lets up. 7 months and counting with jenny,my amazing girlfriend, and 5 months till i leave for isu. my gardes have all picked up, everything is going the way it should. i couldn't be happier. and tomorrow night, there's teh prose of cons show, then the next week is Panic! and The Academy, and then i have Into The Woods. Then Taking Back Sunday, then Fall Out Boy. then Thursday. Then warped tour, Ozzfest, and Sounds of teh underground, all with my best friends.

I think one of my friends doesn't like me very much. Tj always makes fun of me, like he doesn't let up at all. i mean, he's a good kid, i have nothing against him, but what did i ever do to him? why does he chop me down all the time. how come i always feel like he's making fun of me? lately i fell like evyone's going after me. it's really hard to just be right now. and the worst part is nobody knows anything about how i feel. this fucking sucks. Why is it that I can't be allwaed to be accepted and happy?

I feel so unloved sometimes. I have fucking feelings, just like the rest of you people. i'm sorry that i'm sad, but i can't help it sometimes. it's not one person, it's a bunch of people, mothers, ex girlfriends, those friends that fuck with you, and you know it's just kidding, and they don't have anyting really against you, but it still fucking stings sometimes. i try to be myself and still fit on, i try to make amends fro past mistakes, i try to make people proud, and all i recieve is rejection and criticism. i knwo soem of you would love to see me end it all, and never have to deal with me again. i'm stronger than that, and i'll never be a suicide statistic. i will live, and i will prove you all wrong, and i'll make something of myself. for now, i'm just going to fucking cry, because it's teh closest to happiness that i can possibly come tonight.

Well this was teh last of the big 4. I now have a LiveJournal, a MySpace, A Facebook, and a Xanga. Well, this is Serwa, and I'll get addicte dto this too pretty soon. cya around